Back to that place where I grew up that never felt like home, there I see ghosts.
They never rest and I shield myself with sheets.
The night is beautiful and never ending, but sleeping is more tiring than living.
Some ghosts appear in broad daylight and act in groups. I walk the streets and see them, they haunt my every move. They hide in the stares of people I touched and was forced to abandon. Potential friendships left hanging in nets of a relationship not strong enough to hold my weight.
Encounters are awkward: ‘Hi!’, they say, but I’m the stranger that left. I’m the one that comes back and has no right to call this place ‘home’. I try so hard to belong to the life of these fascinating natives but I don’t trust them to understand. Will we ever grow close once we’ve stopped to grow apart?
Tangled in a cotton blanket, sweaty from heat and exhaustion I open my eyes to flee the visit of this particular ghost. A prey I’ve craved and hunted. A prey I’ve hurt myself in trying to catch. A prey I had unexpectedly in my claws and dropped afraid to swallow too fast. I had a taste of his flavoured flesh and now I can’t forget.
I see his body far out of my reach. I smell his blood lost forever. I’m lost, driven insane from temptation, drooling lust and frustration.
With pain I awake from the dreams of the ghost with the red angry eyes. She hates me because of that door left open. Even if my stay is as short as a heartbeat I scare her, so she comes haunting me. She knows about that deep love that we’ve tried to clothe in work and friendship: a lie that burns fiercer every time we meet. Like acid it consumes us and we know it, we feel it eating our insides away. The hurt shows in sad stares, melancholic touches, trembling kisses but we still prefer it to ending it all.
Nightmares fill my nights and my parents house is no protection: I’ve filled it with too many stories. I come back filled with excitement but this place that never accepted my efforts to belong chases me away. So I love it dearly, but to survive I need to go.